Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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