im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i think my tv is drunk
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
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