I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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