I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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