the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
