She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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