I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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