I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
