I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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