we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
