How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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