It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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