Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
