I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
