my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
