grandma shit on top of the toilet
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
