I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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