the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
