I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
