I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
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I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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