I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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