I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
