1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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