Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
