I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
