I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
