mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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