I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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