We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
