3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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