i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
