I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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