I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
