the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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