something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
