I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
