The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
