he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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