His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
