I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize