I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
