I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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