He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
