My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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