seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
