the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
