Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
