I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
