In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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