a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
