I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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