I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
