Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
