There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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