So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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