let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
