3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
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His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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