This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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