Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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