Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
