Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
