it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
